A QUIET PLACE (2018)

What in the conservative fetish content is this? The fertile, white Abbott family survives the rapture and goes out to live in the woods, barefoot and rugged. Well, sort of. The rapture is weird aliens who just kind of look like the demogorgon from Stranger Things (when did we all decide “no eyes” was the big monster design? I’ve had enough of “my face is like a shitty, toothy peony” monsters). These aliens have super hearing, kind of. They can’t hear heartbeats but definitely want to murder the shit out of any other sound ever. They’re in constant attack mode. Not entirely sure what their deal is, but neither does patriarch Lee (John Krasinski), who has eloquently written up “what is the WEAKNESS” on their whiteboard, down in his secret research basement. The research basement with a whole ass nail sticking right out of the stairwell that no one has noticed or fixed this entire time. I love free tetanus! 

I love the ASL inclusion and DHH representation and feel like that’s the only positive thing about this movie. It’s not particularly scary. The pacing is slow and the issues are hard to wrap your head around. The nail. The 20 minute birth. The fact that Evelyn (Emily Blunt) was ever trying to have a baby in that environment. Keep it in your pants, Lee. I didn’t even have sympathy for their dumbass kid who died from “wanting to play with loud toy” syndrome. I’m glad they figured out how to disable the monsters, but I was initially disappointed when it ended right as this developed. I guess I wanted to see more excitement. I don’t know. I think I could never wrap my head around the argument that shoes are loud. Why are they all barefoot?

Food Recommendation: See's Candies. There is never any music in there. It is eerily silent. You can ask for whatever sample you want. I like the scotchmallow and the raspberry truffle.