MATERIALISTS (2025)

A movie that was marketed as a rom-com that manages to be neither rom nor com. It’s barely a drama. Matchmaker Lucy (Dakota Johnson) finds herself torn between a relationship with a very rich man and her serially broke-as-a-joke ex. Or, gold-digging matchmaker realizes that you have to also like the guy, too. Oh, I wonder how this is going to end! Will she choose love, something that she never considers a priority or seems to care about at all? Or will she choose the rich guy that she can’t even confide in about a bad day at work? Such a mystery must take 1 hour and 56 minutes to figure out. 

Let me run through the few things that went right in this movie so I can move onto the dumb parts. The idea that “Loving is easy, dating is hard” is well articulated and extremely true. I stand by this, I agree with this sentiment, I am glad it’s in a movie about dating. I liked all of the “people’s expectations when dating are insane” scenes, because, put simply, they are. I think I got my hopes up when the movie opened with Lucy having to swoop in and save the day, because the bridesmaid ominously pointing toward the room the bride was in was actually funny. This opening had me mentally preparing for a modern wedding romcom - a 2025 era 27 Dresses, or Wedding Date, or Wedding Planner. What I got was Dakota Johnson’s wooden, mannequin-ass acting and a self-contradictory storyline. What a bummer! Here’s how I know everyone thought that Dakota Johnson took the air out of every line she said: when it came time for her to admit she loved John (Chris Evans), the audience fucking laughed. They had not laughed at any other part of this movie, but they laughed when they heard the equivalent of the self-checkout voice at Ralphs say “I love you.” I’ve ordered at a McDonald’s drive thru with more gusto and inflection than the way that Dakota Johnson delivered any line in this movie. 

The Lucy character fell flat in a lot of ways. Her losing it and wanting to quit her job over an assault that she couldn’t have prevented felt excessive, not to mention her obsession with trying to reach out to Sophie (Zoë Winters). The Sophie character was fine until she became hard to believe. She knows exactly 0 people in New York? So much so that she needed to call her matchmaker to come help? The matchmaker she was ardently avoiding for a while, mind you. Lucy also didn’t seem to have a lot going on. Did she have any interests aside from “rich boyfriend = good”? I wouldn’t know. I guess she loves money and feeling extremely bloated (who the fuck orders beer and a coke? I know it’s supposed to be a quirky, weird drink that only her ex would know, but there are better quirky weird drinks. And why was her beer glass only half full?) It seems like she didn’t even focus on common interests as a fucking matchmaker. It was always “good education, good income, good height” but never “does this guy think The Dark Knight Rises was a good movie?” which basically negates everything else. What got me caught up was the maturity that she had exhibited in the film, both in the flashback of her articulating to John why she had to break up with him (resentment over the eternal lack of money), and in her honest break up with Harry (Pedro Pascal) in realizing they don’t love each other. That’s fantastic. More people should be aware when the love isn’t there. Totally valid story points, especially for a modern romance that has its characters take a clinical view on what a relationship is. The scene where Lucy shows up at John’s doorstep to stay with him for a week isn’t where Celine Song lost me -  because Lucy is a user, and this behavior tracks. Where she lost me was when Lucy decided to get back together with John officially - especially when she accepted his proposal! This film put in a lot of effort to be self-aware about feelings, expectations, and relationships. But it was concluded with a level of quixotic optimism that felt, at that point in the story, like an actual psychotic break, because it was such a huge step backwards for Lucy. She should have ended the movie as a client of her own matchmaking service. The reason I say that is because we see Lucy’s last fight with John when they were together, we get to know John as he is now, and Lucy even tells him “you haven’t changed.” So did she get dumber in the time they were apart? Or did Harry buy her enough overpriced dinners to satiate that gold-digging part of herself for the time being? This should have been a fun, casual, love triangle for her because she actually shouldn’t seriously be with either guy at all. Her superficial relationship with Harry felt well-written in that regard. I did not believe him when he explained to her that she was valuable and worth pursuing. She’s just white and skinny. The juxtaposition of her not opening up to Harry about the Sophie situation and the later vulnerability and honesty he exhibited during the “yeah, I got the surgery” scene felt odd, for lack of a better word. If he is this capable of honesty and vulnerability with her, why wouldn’t she feel comfortable talking about her career doubts with him? Obviously that is the least of her worries, because he admits that he doesn’t love her. Or does he? He says that love is hard for him. He doesn’t love anyone? Not even his brother? Or his mom? Has he gotten checked out? Because that shit is concerning.

The dichotomy of Lucy constantly telling Harry he is “perfect” and her ending up with John doesn’t make sense for how she has acted in the movie. Harry is perfect on paper but not in practice, which is a conclusion she fucking comes to and takes action on! John is neither perfect on paper nor in practice, which is another fucking conclusion she already came to and took action on. Girl I am begging you to realize other men exist. Actually, she’d be better off with the fucking virgin from Novocaine at this rate. That guy would worship her more than John does, plus he has a steady job. This movie was so maddening. 

Food Recommendation: The OG oatmeal griddle cake from Breakfast by Salt’s Cure. It doesn’t need syrup. It is a strong, independent dish that can be enjoyed on its own. Kind of like when you’ve been single long enough that you understand who you are as a person and can stand to be alone with your own thoughts.