NOVOCAINE (2025)

I mean every offense when I say this, I think this movie was written by a virgin. This should have been much more fun. A mild-mannered assistant bank manager with a genetic disorder rendering him unable to feel pain goes on a revenge spree to rescue his love interest from bank robbers? Hell yeah. Sign me up. Unfortunately, due to the virgin of it all, it didn’t hit the way I wanted it to.

Jack Quaid’s character, Nathan Caine, lives in a bubble hell of his own making, afraid of his own shadow because he’s got an inability to feel pain. But sometimes it feels like it’s treated like he can’t feel…anything? He’s afraid of eating solid foods lest he bite his own tongue off? I’m pretty sure you can feel your tongue even when it’s not hurting. But sure. He can’t chew carefully enough. He is literally an incel (maybe more a volcel, somehow), and just hides away playing video games with a guy on the phone. How did they even meet? Online, probably, right? What’s the likelihood that these two live in the same city? Pretty low when it comes to an internet friend, I’d say. But they do. They live so, so close to each other. And they’ve never met. I guess that’s fine because Nathan is afraid of socializing too? Could it be because heartbreak is the only pain he can actually feel? Whatever. 

What pisses me off is that he goes on ONE date with this girl who he’s been apparently pining over for a few months, fucks her ONE time, and suddenly he’s like, “Yeah, I’m thinking I am willing to MURDER people to save this girl.” I don’t know. Some guys aren’t even willing to drive to Pasadena for pussy. And once she's kidnapped, of course, we get the “sis” line drop from one of the bank robbers - oh no! Betrayal! Terrible writing! God, when will they stop using “sis” as a shorthand for “we are related”? It is exhausting, dumb, and takes you out of the story faster than a Wilhelm scream. So we learn, in a twist of dramatic irony, that Shelly (Amber Midthunder) was a plant in the bank and was meant to procure the bank vault code from Mr. Assistant Manager. But she waited for the day before the big robbery to actually make her move? The NIGHT before? Not even a week before? Was she hoping for the vault codes to be tattooed on his penis? Speaking of tattoos. Oh my god, his tattoos. So stupid. They felt like the weird fantasy of a 15 year-old. You know what 15 year-olds usually are? Fucking virgins. I’m telling you, it all comes full circle to the fact that this is a movie written as a fantasy for and by incels.

I’m ripping on this quite a bit, but there were scenes that I did enjoy. I loved the way Nathan was fishing for Ben’s last name at the tattoo parlor (“How do you think it’s pronounced?” Fantastic work). I liked when he used the tattoo gun as a pen; that was a fun bit. As I write this, it’s becoming rather apparent that the tattoo parlor scene was possibly the only part of the movie that I liked. 

Nathan taking a beating and still going, sure that’s the premise of the movie. But it was starting to get stale when Simon (Ray Nicholson) was also able to keep up just as well. Ok, one last thing I liked. The way Nathan took out Simon was pretty bad ass. Good for him. 

My frustrations really came to a head when they revealed he was still going out with Shelly a year later, while she was actively in prison. I’m begging him to realize there are other women out there. They didn’t explain whether he keeps his job. He probably doesn’t, because I’m pretty sure dating the bank robber isn’t a good look for an assistant manager of said bank. It doesn’t look good in general. How can he ever really trust her? I feel like the “hostage was actually in on the robbery” reveal sounded cooler than it really was in practice. Had she just been a hostage, her character would have seemed a little more redeemable and I probably would have rooted for the love story a little more. Remember in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, when Ferris looks at the camera and says “Cameron has never been in love - at least, nobody's ever been in love with him. If things don't change for him, he's gonna marry the first girl he lays, and she's gonna treat him like shit, because she will have given him what he has built up in his mind as the end-all, be-all of human existence. She won't respect him, 'cause you can't respect somebody who kisses your ass. It just doesn't work.”? That’s why I don’t like their relationship. Because it feels like that.

Food Recommendation: Go to Swinger’s diner, on Beverly Blvd, and order a slice of apple pie a la mode. It’s no cherry, but it’s damn good pie. And do you know what Swingers do? They fuck.